I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
