Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
