Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
