Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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