the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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