omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
