I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
