just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
