That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
