i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
