im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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