I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
