I never want to see another naked old woman again.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
