At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
