the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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