I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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