I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
