He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
