It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
