if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
