I will die if light touches me.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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