Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
MIDGETS
????
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
