some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
