Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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