he shaved USA in his pubs
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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