Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
