We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
