i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
