I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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