They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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