$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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