I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
