It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
