Do you still have your period?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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