new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Randomize
