you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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