As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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