Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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