i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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