first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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