At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's never too late to be topless.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
