P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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