My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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