This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
