I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
