I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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