I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
