Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
