So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
