end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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