Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
