No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
