everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
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then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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