She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
