She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
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I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
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I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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