If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
