remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
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We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
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The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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