Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
