I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
