Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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