the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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